Turning 50

50 Shmifty. You know I really don't care. People say "it's just a number" but I don't know what that means. That's like "it's all good," or "no worries" or "cool" or "awesome" - all these things we say when we don't know how to express ourselves in words. So I won't say that. I simply don't care. Maybe that's 'cause life is good. If it weren't, maybe I'd care. Anyway, it's a great excuse to have a party, and that's how I see it.
BG wouldn't be BG if she didn't have criticisms for everyone else, and through my keen observations of old ladies, here ladies, are tips for staying young.
1. Forget plastic surgery. Let's face it, the little nip tuck that you play with in the mirror that seems so simple and easy isn't what the doctor has in mind. You won't look young or pretty, you'll look like you had plastic surgery. Except, of course, for Madonna.
2. In the absence of plastic surgery, moisturize, but don't wear too much makeup. Foundation looks crusty in wrinkles and accentuates your age.
3. Botox is fine, but it won't make you look younger, just less worried.
4. Lift weights, get strong! Nothing will make you feel younger than being strong and having muscles. No ladies, you will not get big. Are you kidding me? Do you know how long, how much work and how many supplements it would take for you to get big?
5. Hang out with young people. Older people are really boring. All we talk about is home improvement and our diets.
6. Learn how to text so you can communicate with your new, young friends.
7. Don't wear white pants or shorts. Just don't.
8. Don't think because you're skinny, you should wear skinny jeans to accentuate your skinniness. You look like an old, skinny lady with no sense of style.
9. Don't get a hairdo. No even lines. Put some layers in, some funky touches. If you're curling it under, you're old.
10. If your husband is a curmudgeon, which he most likely is at your age, go do stuff by yourself or with your girlfriends. Find people who like to have fun.
11. Don't wax your eyebrows. Too much of that and they end up thin. Those arches make you look old.
12. Get a good bra.
People probably think I'm immature, which is fine. I don't think they think I'm trying to act younger than I am, and that's different. I don't make an effort to be young, I just think I am! So what if the mirror tells me something different. Fuck the mirror, I say.