My next Newsweek submission

It seems that in our society it takes only one thing to rise to the top, and it’s something that I don’t possess. I call it the Sarah Palin syndrome. The ability to use a lot of words emphatically and not say a damn thing.

She and others like her are the reason I can't work a normal job in a corporation and make a decent living. It seems that the people who rise to the top in this country have the ability to use a lot of words to say nothing. Are they intelligent? Well, maybe. In a very different way than I define intelligence. To me, an intelligent person possesses knowledge and can think through problems. They are quiet, humble, reflective and don't say things for the sake of hearing their own voice; which, I think, is why most people talk.

The people who succeed in our capitalistic society – the people who I always seem to end up working for – are the ones who leave me squinting in confusion asking, "What the hell did he just say?" When this happens, frequently during meetings, I desperately glance around the room for some validation from another who is experiencing the same confused disbelief as me, and I find that everyone is nodding their heads in agreement.

In my last real job in Colorado, my boss's name was Buzz. I'll never forget him as long as I live. His name was so apropos we almost couldn’t believe it. He was a bit of a moron. But no one seemed to realize that during his interview, and it took the company years to figure it out because boy, could he talk. He never said anything meaningful, mind you. But he could talk. Add to that his tall stature and you had yourselves a marketing director making at least three times my salary. I seriously think he had some sort of a learning disability or a very low IQ, and yet he made his way through the ranks very impressively. I had to work for him, and I hated it so much I left the office quite frequently during the day to run or nap at the trail behind the office. Eventually, I suppose, that caught up with me when the fat guy from Vancouver came down to our office to let me go. Also a man of many, many words that, added together, didn't really say anything.

Prior to that was the job in software. I remember the woman with the large mouth. I mean physically, it was large. Her lips were covered in red guck and they were always moving, saying shit that didn't mean a goddamn thing and didn't have anything to do with the software. But she worked her way up the ranks too. Ending up, also, as marketing director.

So, all it takes is to be able to say nothing with a lot of words that don't fit together coherently. Stick in buzz words and phrases and say it emphatically and you too can become president.

Misuse and mispronunciation of words is totally acceptable. Mangled sentence structure is fine. Regional cutesiness is good. Sarah Palin is the epitome of all of this. She is confident and polished, but she never says a damn thing that means anything. And the public doesn't seem to notice. Do we know where she stands on the economy? On foreign policy? On Israel (besides being so "tickled" that Joe Biden shares her fondness for Jews)? We know only where she stands on abortion and god. Has anyone noticed that she spells nuclear, nucular? I thought we were done with that after 8 years!

I know from reading the New York Times, that at least three people agree with me. But I'm betting that we're all in the minority and that most people are impressed by her. Just like they're impressed by the yahoos that end up running our corporations.

I don't know where to go to get away from all of this. I think that's why I stay home so much. It's because of Sarah Palin and all those like her who are managing to succeed in a society in which I can't seem to compete. Perhaps I'm the dumb one?